Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

he’ll never suspect a thing

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

Friends that check up on you >

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

Yup.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(