what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
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Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
2 years later
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*