what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
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Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
bout dat hot dog summer
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
Milk Cube
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
man i love columbo
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.