“What do your tattoos mean?”
That I cannot be trusted with $700, Susan. That’s what they mean.
You Might Also Like
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.