Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.