Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

Aw man, but that’s the best part

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

I basically called this earlier today

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.