Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

Don’t snitch tag.

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee