Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha