Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

ㅤ

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo