“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
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I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
Introverted vegans go meetless
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers