“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
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You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
an octopus is just a wet spider
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.