“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
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[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Living the best life.. 😊
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*