“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
You Might Also Like
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.