“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
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1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.