Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.

Rookie move.

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.

Me: Did you check the hamper?

11: Why would it be there?

Why indeed.

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

😞

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.