Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

The opposite of Iceland is water water

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.