What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
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If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
something like this could probably happen to anyone
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
mechanics be like
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!