What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
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What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?