Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

Me buying fruit and veg

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*