What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
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If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
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[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
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“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
remember
only for emergencies
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More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.