What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
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if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
🤣dope
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
incredible text to wake up to
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
dutch is not a serious language
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast