What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
You Might Also Like
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
*fills out form*
*clicks “send me a copy”*
email: *dings*
me: ooh what’s that
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!