What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
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I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Me, reading some of your tweets
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The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
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