What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
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To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…