what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
You Might Also Like
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My body is a “wonder what happened” land