what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
You Might Also Like
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”