what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
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If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter