What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
i dont have time for this
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
Wait a minute…
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.