What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
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Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
The photographer’s assistant
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.