what does he know…
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[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Happy thanksgiving!
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.