what does he know…
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“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.