what does he know…
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Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
damn he’s good
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”