What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
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SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Not all heroes wear capes…
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
