What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
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Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Good Morning.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
How times have changed.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
As we are leaving the car wash, passing the self-service bays, 6yo says, “oohh that’s how poor people wash their cars” and now I have to teach her a lesson and make her do all our laundry in the creek.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.