What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
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pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Animal poetry
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?