Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

Shark week, but for squirrels.

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.