What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
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For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?