Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

LOL!