Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

Breaking news:

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”