What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
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HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Worst bar ever.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.