What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
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Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Pigeon open mic night.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop