What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
You Might Also Like
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
handsome & gretel
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
#MeanwhileinCanada
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family