What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
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Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I’m the neighbor
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I’m already scared
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.