What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
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*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
pls suprot
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
No, YOUR illiterate.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost