What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
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Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I saw this ending much differently.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it