What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
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Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
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Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*