What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
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[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism