What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
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Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.