What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
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Blocked: 1985
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.