What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
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[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
so much to do
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Air conditioning – not a fan