Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.