What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
You Might Also Like
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.