What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
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Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*