What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
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Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.