What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
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I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I like crazy people until they notice me
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.