“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
You Might Also Like
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.