“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
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Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
twitter is a journey
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.