“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
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Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.