Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

presenting your incognito window wrapped

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.