What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
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“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?