Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”