Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire