What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
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I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee