what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
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Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not