What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
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that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
