Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*