Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

just left a huge legacy in there

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.