What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
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Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Travel bloggers during quarantine
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
A great first step 😂
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
remember
only for emergencies
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.