What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”