What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
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time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Stop it! 😂
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me