What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
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Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.