What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
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Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Modded the new Gran Turismo
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?