What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
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me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Isn’t
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner