What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
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AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.