Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine